NOW I GET IT

I know I was a smart kid. Not the smartest, certainly, but I do remember that I scored points on national, separate-the-useless-from-the-dangerous tests, before the ravages of adolescence got to me, and then my lifestyle finished the job.

I knew some smart people and talked to them without making an ass of myself; also with an eye toward getting out of a discussion before the half-remembered developmental history, the brazenly subjunctive sentence structure, and the imprecise vocabulary would have revealed me, in one false comment or imprecise wisecrack, as a fraud.

But I was—a pretender who played well but occasionally stayed just a tad to long, or who waded out a bit too far, or worst of all, laughed at precisely the wrong time, by scant seconds.

So, I’ve been stupid, and I know it. And I’ve been dense, on occasion, really dense on others.

Since a week or so, I have been telling people that (Cablevision’s) Optimum Online optonline.net is cutting me off, that I can’t be reached at optonline.net any more. I can be reached, at edward.lowe1@marist.edu.

People have answered me at the Optimum address, which is not Optimum, but optonline.net, but I was supposed to know that.

So I, again, tell them that Cablevision’s Optimum Online optonline.net is cutting me off. Don’t e-mail me at the optonline.net address. They fire back, “What happened with you and Optimum?” posing this question in an e-mail to the Optimum address, optonline.net.

I’m panicking, because I don’t know when Cablevision’s Optimum Online optonline.net will pull the plug, and I’m saying I won’t have an optonline.net address any more, probably in minutes, maybe in seconds. I won’t get these messages unless you send them to the address, edward.lowe1@marist.edu.

I talked to a bunch of Optimum Online people at Cablevison before I realized what they where saying. They were very patient, before passing me along to the next voice who asked the same questions with the same patience. I did this five whole times before I got it. By that time, I was shameless. I said, “…but I had a stroke. I don’t know what you’re saying…” I was trying to buy a weekend to notify everyone I’ve e-mailed e-mails to for years (I know, I know).

Here’s what happened.

Back in 199?, when we were newer to this, I acquired an e-mail address from Newsday, then an e-mail address from Yahoo, because the e-mail address from Newsday didn’t always work so well.

Then, I think much later, an Optimum truck hit my neighborhood. I got an optonline.net e-mail address from Optimum, because I had Cablevision, which owned Optimum; I figured I was always going to have Cablevision, therefore Optimum, and as it worked out, I used the Cablevision Optimum optonline e-mail most often.
I began to believe it was my address, no one else’s.

A couple of years ago, Marist College, my Alma Mater, sent an unusual mailing, telling all graduates that they could have free e-mail for life. I paid little attention to it, because I already had e-mail addresses to spare. But I thought it was nice of them to do that. And, when I went to work for two other newspapers, I used optonline.net for one and Marist for the other, just for goofs.

Two years ago, I had a stroke. I was asleep for three months, half awake for another, and mostly awake for another, during the end of which time I found that I was not going to stay wherever I was for the rest of my life. I was going to go to Susan’s, to sleep in the living room. Asked about this, I cried, because I thought I was going to stay where I was.

My son, Jed, lived in my house for about 6 months, paying the Cablevision bill, because he wanted a lot more out of the TV than I did. After that, he moved to Florida, and the house was empty. My Cablevision was turned off.

Susan took over my bills, while I learned English.

Among the bills was my mother’s Cablevision bill, which came to my address, and was forwarded to Susan’s house. She paid it, because I had paid it.

About 9 months ago, I tried the computer for the third time, and learned to type, weirdly, at first, but learned. I also suddenly remembered my e-mail address, an optonline.net address, which still existed, but not because it was my address, as I stupidly thought.

In October, Doe died. My Mom. With her house being empty, and my not making any money, it seemed wasteful to be paying Cablevision (-Optimum-Online-optonline.net). So, Susan, with my approval, cancelled Doe’s Cablevision (-Optimum-Online-optonline.net). Now, I had no connection with Cablevision.

We got a refund on Doe’s Cablevision on a recent Wednesday. On Thursday, I couldn’t get into my optonline.net e-mail box. I didn’t put two-and-two together until I called the Cablevision number and kept having to say the same thing to employee after employee. I thought they were crazy, but it turns out, why should they give me an Optimum Online optonline.net mailbox for free when they can charge me $29.00 for it.

“What does the homeowner who owns your house pay?”

“She has Verizon, I think. Why?”

“Well, do you want the Cablevision service?” each one said.

“For $29.00 a month?”

“Yes.”

“Why would I want that?”

That’s when they passed me to another employee. I wasn’t getting it.

I thought of Marist. I had used Marist as an e-mail box for the readers of Neighbor Newspapers. Why not use them for all my e-mail?

“I see.” I said. “I can pay you $29.00 a month for my e-mail box, which is all I use, or, I can use the e-mailbox at Marist, and not pay anything.”

No comment.

“Let’s see, pay Cablevision $29.00 a month for Optimum Online optonline.net, or pay Marist nothing.”

No comment.

One of us hung up.